One query, before and after.
A made-up literary novel, THE SALT ORCHARD, by a made-up writer, Marta Reis, queried to a made-up agent. Real orders are rewritten only from the writer's own draft, pages and answers.
Before: the draft
Dear Agent,
I have written a book called The Salt Orchard which is a literary novel with some mystery elements and maybe magical realism, about 97,000 words although I could cut it if needed. It is about a woman named Ines who goes back to her family's farm in Portugal after her mother dies and finds out some secrets about her family and the land and has to decide what to do. It deals with themes of grief, identity, inheritance, language, and what we owe to the people who came before us. I think it would appeal to fans of literary fiction and book clubs.
I have been writing for many years and this is my first novel although I have written short stories. I have a degree in English. I would be honored if you would consider representing me. I can send the full manuscript at any time. Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I know how busy you are.
After: the query
Dear Ms. Okafor,
When Inês Carvalho inherits her mother's failing salt-marsh orchard on the Algarve, she expects to sell it inside a week and fly home to Toronto. Instead she finds the ledger her mother kept in a language Inês was never taught, and a buyer who already seems to know what it says.
The ledger records forty years of water rights traded between three families, and one entry, in her mother's hand, that is not about water at all. To read the rest Inês needs the only neighbour who still speaks the old marsh dialect, a woman her mother spent a lifetime avoiding. Each page she translates puts a price on something Inês thought was hers: the house, the name on the deed, the version of her mother she grew up with. When the buyer's offer turns into a deadline, she has to choose between the clean sale she came for and a claim she can only prove by admitting what her mother did.
THE SALT ORCHARD is an 88,000-word literary novel with a mystery spine. It will appeal to readers of Claire Keegan's Small Things Like These for its scale and restraint, and of Maggie O'Farrell's The Marriage Portrait for a woman reading her own family through a found document. I am querying you because of your interest in inheritance stories set outside the US and in fiction in translation.
I grew up between Lisbon and Ontario and worked for nine years as a court interpreter; the marsh dialect in the book is invented, but the work of translating a parent is not. My short fiction has appeared in two Canadian literary magazines. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available on request.
Warm regards, Marta Reis
The diagnosis
1. The hook arrives late
The draft opens with the title, the genre and the word count. The first sentence should be the story: a person, a want, and the thing in the way. The rewrite opens on Inês, the orchard, and the ledger.
2. Three genres in one line
“Literary novel with some mystery elements and maybe magical realism” reads as undecided. One label with one modifier: “a literary novel with a mystery spine”. Nothing in the pages is magical, so that word goes.
3. Stakes are described, not shown
“Has to decide what to do” is not a stake. The rewrite names the choice (the clean sale vs. a claim she can only prove by exposing her mother) and the clock (the buyer's deadline).
4. The word count
97,000 “although I could cut it” tells the agent the book is not finished. We used the count after the cut you told us you had already made (88,000) and stated it once, plainly.
5. Comparable books
“Fans of literary fiction and book clubs” is everyone. Two recent, mid-list, in-genre books (from your own reading list) with one clause each on why.
6. Personalisation
One sentence on why this agent, using what she has said publicly about her list. Never guessed; you supply the source and we phrase it.
7. The bio
“Many years of writing” and the degree go. What stays is the one fact that makes you the person to write this book (the interpreter years) and the real publication credits.
8. Tone and length
Apologies and “I know how busy you are” are cut. 280 words of story, 120 of everything else; one page single-spaced.
The shorter version (for agents with a 250-word limit)
Dear Ms. Okafor,
When Inês Carvalho inherits her mother's failing salt-marsh orchard on the Algarve, she expects to sell it inside a week. Instead she finds the ledger her mother kept in a language Inês was never taught, and a buyer who already seems to know what it says. To read it she needs the one neighbour her mother spent a lifetime avoiding, and every page she translates puts a price on something she thought was hers. When the offer becomes a deadline, Inês must choose between the clean sale she came for and a claim she can only prove by admitting what her mother did.
THE SALT ORCHARD is an 88,000-word literary novel with a mystery spine, for readers of Claire Keegan's Small Things Like These and Maggie O'Farrell's The Marriage Portrait. I worked for nine years as a court interpreter; my short fiction has appeared in two Canadian literary magazines. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time. The full manuscript is available on request.
Marta Reis
The checklist we run every query through
- Opens on the protagonist, the want and the obstacle, within two sentences.
- One genre label, one modifier, one word count, stated once.
- A choice with a cost by the end of paragraph two or three.
- Two comps, published in the last five years, in your genre, with a reason each.
- One sentence of personalisation you can prove.
- A bio of three lines: the credential that matters, real credits, first novel or not.
- Under 400 words. No rhetorical questions. No praise for the agent. No “fiction novel”.
- The first pages attached exactly as the agent's guidelines ask (pasted, not attached, unless told).
The personalisation template
One sentence, placed before the bio, built only from what the agent has said publicly: “I am querying you because [the thing they said they want, in their words or close to them] — [one clause on how this book is that].” We fill it for three agents from the names and sources you give us; we never guess an agent's taste.